11 Men You May Date in Miami

#DearFutureGrandchildren,

As you may have gathered from the title of this letter, it’s rough out here in these streets. I don’t know who I ended up procreating with but here are 11 types I could have chosen from. With no further delay, I hereby present to you,

11 Men You May Date in Miami: 

1. The Wannabe Rapper
-Grew up in the Kendall suburbs
-Parents arranged Florida Prepaid when he turned 2
-Yet somehow swears he went to “the school of hard knocks”
-Flexes his “stacks” on the Gram (when really, he just wrapped a $100 dollar bill from his mom’s wallet around a stack of 1’s)
-His fan base: high school girls

2. Mr. 305 till I Die
-Can be found catcalling women behind his T-Mobile kiosk in the mall
-Is able to afford custom chrome rims and a banging stereo system for his BMW because he lives in his Abuela’s closet rent-free
-Wakes up at 5 AM, tweets about “the hustle” and goes back to bed
-Posts on Instagram about “finding a queen” but spends his free time with his bros in strip clubs on the beach

3. Mr. Homestead
-Says he’s from Miami but really lives in Homestead (that’s like saying you’re from New York when you live in Jersey).
-Pickup truck adorned with enormous tires and bumper stickers of beer, sports teams, and Donald Trump
-More likely than the other types to offer to take you mudding, airboat riding, or to a country music festival (which could be fun if you’re into that kind of thing).

4. The City Artist
-Two words: pompadour haircut. (With added poof. Extra points if he bleached it.)
-Most likely spotted taking smile-free photos by the Wynwood walls or at a gallery opening in the beach
-Typically gifted in graphic design or photography
-Silent players: They amp up the solemn mystery allure as easily as they do the volume of their alternative house playlist, so don’t get too excited early on about being his muse. Give it time.

5. Mr. Pa La Playa
-Always. In. The. Keys.
-Has a celebrity status tan
-Weekends and holidays revolve around boating, crabbing, and King fishing
-Will take 47 photos with the same fish and post it on Facebook
-Women scroll through all 47 photos just to gawk at his abs

6. The Northerner
-Typically relocates from New York, Boston, or Chicago
-Tweets about the amazing weather in Florida at least twice a day
-Brags about how the sports, schools, and pizzas are better in his city
-But knows the women here are way hotter #SorryNotSorry
-Most likely to be overheard saying: “nobody in Miami speaks English,” “why do they speak to me in Spanish?”
-But are halfway to Tiffany’s when you call them “Papi”

7. The Sexy Foreigner
-Travels back and forth from Madrid, Milan, Colombia, or Paris
-Has no qualms about wearing scarves under the sweltering Miami sun
-Will attempt to woo you with his knowledge of art and sharp sense of style (American women are entirely too accustomed to cargo shorts and flip flops. *Gag*) but gets turned off if you give in to his advances too quickly
-No one ever corrects his English. That foreign accent is some dark magic charm.
-Most likely to rant in the middle of a diner about how American food is unhealthy and repulsive
-Nobody will shut him up because again, the accent.

8. El Papi
-Unlike the Sexy Foreigner, this type is predominantly Cuban
-His name probably starts with a “Y”
-Most likely found in Little Havana or Hialeah, land of yellow gold and deep v-necks
-Bravado. Bravado. Bravado. Talks with his hands. Holds his crotch. So much bravado.
-Loves his Mami and Abuela and is wildly protective of his sister(s)
-Acts like the man in the streets but behind closed doors, the women in his life run the show
-If Mami, Abuela, and his sisters don’t like you, don’t expect long-term commitment
-May blame the tightness of his jewel encrusted, white skinny jeans for why he hasn’t gotten down on one knee yet
-But still expects you to do his laundry, make his bed, and prepare his cafecito in the morning. Just like Mami does it.

9. Mr. Health Coach
-Dri-fit tees and basketball shorts. All the time.
-Every Instagram photo contains #Gainz and #Swole
-Posts mirror selfies every week to show off his “progress”
-Sells himself as a “personal trainer” on social media after reading one health and fitness book and a few months selling Herbalife
-Won’t let me finish my fucking chicken finger in peace

10. The Sugar Baby
-Struggling actor, model, bartender, or waiter
-Lives on the beach with 4 roommates
-Approaches divorced women 40+ years of age at bars and clubs
-Has a sob-inducing life story
-Has abs and a high sex drive
-Has dreams of a startup business
-Has $6.27 in his bank account
-4 months into the relationship: promises to pay back every penny of her daughter’s college fund as soon as his light-up snow globe business takes off

11. The Older Man
-45+ years old
-Collects foreign cars
-Runs down the beach outside of his high-rise every morning
-Self-help book fiend
-Never been married
-No kids
-Can barely keep a plant alive
-Has dated models and popped bottles for years but is ready to settle with an average-looking “good girl” working her way through college for “something serious.” (I.e to wipe his butt for him in a few years when he no longer can)

Stay Beautiful,

CMS

4 thoughts on “11 Men You May Date in Miami

  1. El Papi is so true! Lol! It’s hilarious because that one is so accurate! Sometimes when I watch channel 23 news there is this guy named Yusnaby Perez.

    Like

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